Thursday, April 30, 2015

D-Day.... Unknown Territory

I have been missing in action for awhile due to my husbands deployment it has been so hectic so I took a little break from blogging. BUT I'm back now and a LOT has happened.

Deployment day has come and gone and it was exactly what I expected. Full of tears. LOTS of tears....... From ME.

Most people knew Adam was deploying but only certain people knew exactly when and it was nice having family visit before things got REALLY busy. Then after all our family visited Adam went on block leave and we made a trip down to NYC, I will have a blog post about that later on so be on the look out. We had a BLAST, it was our last family trip before the deployment and it was amazing! Then it was time to come back home and buckle down for the deployment. He had a week left of work and then it was time for him to go.

They were off work the Friday and Monday before the deployment, going back to work Tuesday and were supposed to deploy sometimes Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. So Friday evening as soon as our son got home from school Adam and I had our final date night. We had dinner and watched Furious 7. That was not the best movie choice whenever you have been holding back a week worth of tears, but it was a movie we both really wanted to see and it was a really good movie either way. At the end of the movie I shed a few tears. THEN it was the dreaded ride home..... The drive is probably 20 minutes at most and about halfway home we were talking about random things and then it got quiet. And all I could tell myself was DON'T let a tear fall, I knew once one tear fell they would just come pouring out. And my eyes let me down.... One tear trickled down my cheek and BOOM! It was like someone blew up the Hoover Dam and they ALL came flowing. And I tried so hard to just look out the window and not let him know but he noticed.... That turd thought I was still crying about Paul Walker in Furious 7! REALLY?? Paul Walker!!! Yea the ending was sad but come on now... NO I'M NOT CRYING ABOUT PAUL WALKER! Thankfully he made me laugh so by the time we got to the gate to get on base my face didn't look like a swollen red mess.

We had a great weekend and then Monday night came around. Monday I did great but Monday night... Yea that's a different story haha. Monday night we let the kids fall asleep in our bed and got some final family cuddles but then ended up moving them to their bed. I rubbed Adams back like I always do and I THOUGHT he was almost asleep. And then he asked "Are you crying?" And I just laid their and started to BAWL! He rolled over and just held me for what felt like hours. I just wanted time to freeze. We talked some, I cried some, we talked some more, laughed, and fell asleep. The next morning he went into work and when he got home he told me they delayed the departure 24 hours... Even though I was SO happy that we had another 24 hours with him all I could say was "WHAT! I did all that crying last night for nothing!?" we both just cracked up about it. But it was nice knowing we had just a little bit longer.

I surprisingly did NOT cry Tuesday night. We went right to sleep. I think I was exhausted from all the crying I did the previous night haha. Even though I was not ready for him to leave, I was ready for the leaving part to be over with. Anyone that has ever been through a deployment knows that the anticipation and working up to the leaving part is probably the hardest part. Then they leave you shed some tears and the hardest part is over with. Now you can look forward to the homecoming.

Wednesday was a little harder than Tuesday. I knew those were our last few hours before we dropped him off. I knew we would not go to sleep together in the same bed for the rest of 2015. I knew they were not postponing it any longer and as much as I was ready for the leaving part to be over I just wanted a little bit longer. Wednesday night we put the kids to bed and we watched a few of our tv shows I had recorded. Thankfully Criminal Minds came on that night. That'll be the last time I watch criminal minds at night. From now on I will have to record it and watch it the next morning. And then 1:30am rolled around.

Yes that's correct I said 1:30AM! He had to be dropped off by 2 AM! I don't know why the military has to make EVERY THING so complicated. So at 1:30 AM we woke the kids up put them in the car and made the long dreaded trip to drop him off. The kids were exhausted but it was in the middle of the night so they slept until it was time for goodbyes. We decided this time it was best to just say our goodbyes at the car. Originally we were supposed to drop them off by 2 AM and all family had to be gone by 2:30 AM then it changed to drop off 2 AM but all family could wait in a gym until 4 AM. As much as I wanted to stay at the gym and wait and hope that we'd get to see him again I don't think the kids or myself could deal with that. So we didn't... We pulled up to the parking lot and I just broke down. Seeing him give the kids a hug broke my heart into a million pieces. Then it was my turn. And he just held me. We all got our final hugs and kisses, he shut the door, and like that it was all over. I was sobbing as he was walking into the building. The goodbyes/see ya laters were done and he was gone.

I cried the whole way home.. Once we got to the house both kids were asleep and I just sat there. I didn't want to walk into the house. I have read many blog post about how different it felt walking into the house after you drop them off and I did not want to feel that way because I knew it'd make me cry even more. But I had 2 kiddos that were ready to go back inside and get back in bed. I can agree with every one else, walking into our home it just feels different, it feels empty, alone.

We walked inside, everyone curled up in mommy & daddy's bed and it was time for bed. I honestly don't know if it took me long to fall asleep but I do remember crying myself to sleep.. I was terrified of this "new normal"... The unknown.